I’m not a priority

Why not? When did I decide that?

My dream morning:

I wake to sunshine, take my yoga mat to the deck for 30 minutes of stretches, after which I do 20 minutes of meditation.

Calm, focussed and centred, I sit at my desk, sip homemade cappuccino and write for an hour, occasionally gazing at the river and the forest for inspiration. Then I go putter in my garden or take the dog for a walk.

Reality:

Something wakes me in the middle of the night.

I can’t get back to sleep because my “to do” list
is longer than the line of sheep I’m counting.

I toss and turn, knowing the damned alarm is going to go off any time. When it does, of course I’ve just fallen into a deep sleep and I jump out of my skin.

It’s cold/rainy/dark. Completely unmotivated, I hit sleep and try to grab another few minutes of quiet.

And snap to when I remember I have a breakfast meeting.

• Holler at everyone to get up and get going.

• Throw the clothes I forgot in the washing machine last night into the dryer so they don’t mildew.

• Find money for lunches for the kids because I don’t have time to make sandwiches or to nag the kids to make their own.

• Realize my files for the meeting are at the office. Which, naturally, is in the opposite direction to my meeting.

While I’m debating if I have time to get the papers, my husband, trying to be helpful, kisses the back of my neck.

Startled, I spill coffee on my skirt. Some alternate language ensues.

I KNOW I can’t do it all.

I KNOW I’m supposed to delegate at work and share household tasks at home.

I KNOW yoga/running/walking/swimming –any activity– is healthy and balancing.

I KNOW if I focussed on the things I love I’d be happier.

But guess what?

• I don’t have a maid to do my laundry.

• I want to teach my kids to save money by making their own lunches.

• I love my work, but we don’t have enough resources, so we’re stretched thin.

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It’s not all negative. I am doing some positive things for myself.

I make time for family dinners and cuddles.

I read – in airports, on planes, waiting for meetings.

I write – early mornings, on planes, waiting for kids.

And I dream of pursuing other passions – in traffic, folding laundry, waiting for takeout.

I envy people who are single-minded and focus everything on their passions.

They pursue what they want.

They find like-minded souls to mentor them and encourage them.

It’s their fast lane to success.

My path is more like bushwhacking up a mountainside.

I’ve got a backpack full of to do’s and commitments and conflicting wish-lists.

I can’t stuff anything more into it…there aren’t enough hours in the day to even organize it!

Which means I can’t meet everyone’s needs. Especially mine.

My needs, wishes and dreams are way down the list
because that’s the way I was brought up.

But does that make it okay?

The above journal entry was written almost twenty years ago.

A lot has happened since my tears stained that page.

I’ve challenged.
I’ve cried.
I’ve changed.
I’ve celebrated.

I can’t begin to capture those twenty years climbing to lightness in a couple sentences.

But I can share one HUGE step I took to get to where I am today – healthy, balanced, successful and happy.

I gave myself permission to prioritize myself.

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Do you relate? What can you put on your priority list to honour yourself so it doesn’t take decades for you to feel seen, heard and appreciated?